The journey into adulthood with autism spectrum disorder is chaotic, confusing, and fraught with disappointments. As I grew older and experienced the natural behavior of people outside my family, I endured many troubles at the hands of my peers. Social connection was a problem and hard to maintain. People who were allegedly my friends would suddenly decide they were not my friends without notice or explanation. They would attend to me and speak nicely to me during the introduction phase or initial encounters, asking questions and showing interest, and then the next time I would see them, all the things I had shared had become weapons that they would use against me to create amusement among other peers at my expense.
I found this to be a theme in various teen flick movies and general stereotypes of bullied kids and teenagers, but in my own experience it carried over into the formative adult years and spread to every part of my life including my career. Adults are just larger versions of their childhood selves, with modifications made in their behavior and activities based on character growth and any adult responsibilities they have taken on. One thing is certain: when you’re autistic, you must accept being moved completely off people’s priority list randomly, capriciously, or without cause.
It’s hard to call your first job a “career” unless you have the good fortune of being hired on at a company where the work you’re hired for is real skilled work and the training is provided by the company. My first job was bag-boy at the local supermarket in my hometown. I served in the Army but I don’t consider that a career or a job. The best term is “public service.” In the service I found others’ mistreatment of me to be especially pointed, mainly from my peers. Sometimes it would come from leadership. However they mostly ignored me. When my time came to be considered for the first non-automatic promotion, which is Sergeant/ E-5, they passed me over without explanation.
I used to say my super-power was invisibility, because I did my best, did the right thing, complied with orders and instructions, and did all I could to avoid the wrong kind of attention from leadership. At that time, though I hadn’t realized it, those who were in command over me had no concept of what made me tick, and found I could not be trusted even though I was fully trustworthy in all my performance. My facial expressions, mannerisms, and response to situations, were all painted autistically. They couldn’t read me. They didn’t know what I was going to do next, and likely found me to be a risk factor due to a lack of attachment to other members of the team. I was isolated by my peers and military leadership knows that when that happens to someone, it must be for a genuine reason.
In my case, that reason seems a bit unreasonable. Maybe the Army knew more about autism than they let on, but it is far more likely in my mind that they simply didn’t know how to read me because I had weak associations with other service members. There was a bit of “lone wolf” to my activities. I exercised in my own way, and found as throughout my life that my friends were not truly friends of mine. They saw me as a curiosity, like some kind of circus sideshow that people look at for a few minutes in puzzlement and then move on to something more stimulating.
After the Army there was a period where I got sucked into drug addiction, and I found that most drug users will not judge a person for what mental health issues or genetic predispositions got them into drugs in the first place. They do, however, manipulate anyone they can to achieve their own ends. People can be very convincing. They use fake kindness, or real kindness with the intent to abuse any knowledge they get for their own gain. You must never show someone the cards in your hand.
But, as a young autistic man, not knowing anything about my own condition, I desperately desired that other people would be earnest and true, and their intentions would be pure. I hoped they would see the truth about me through our conversations, and that would create a type of bond, maybe friendship or cordial social connection where value is passed freely from person to person by good will and intelligent planning. Relationships played out much differently for me, as you can imagine. My hope that others would act in good faith turned out to be my downfall. Humans are tainted creatures full of vices, which appetites they greedily supply at the expense of others by acts of pride and selfishness.
Some people say “kindness costs nothing.” Despite the truth in this saying, the common person we encounter day by day considers kindness to be a great expense. That is mostly a result of the many injuries to the soul which people have endured at the hand of their fellow man.
After a period of recovery from my addiction, I got a job at a local machine shop, where my autism was a major factor (as it has always been.) Hard work and early mornings were no issue for me. And machining isn’t actually hard work: it just requires attention to detail and careful application of the methods that are taught. That career path was so stimulating and specific, with tools so precise, that I thought I had found my calling. It was a small bit of heaven for the autistic mind- there was a little of everything here, the tools, measurement, the logic of material science and mechanical engineering. In those shops lives the basis of all society, which is the initial stage of manufactured goods, whether metal or plastic, which in their turn are used machinery or in the production of other goods made of chemicals, food items, dirt, or wood. I worked in a tool and die shop for drop forging, and I had hopes of moving up in the training system to a higher level of income and better prospects for the future.
There was a problem, however. My boss had somehow decided against me. Looking back as an experienced business owner, I now see several of the mistakes I made which undercut my standing with him early on. But the vicious, nasty, and vindictive behavior that was pointed in my direction drove me daily to my knees before God. How could I be treated this way when I was doing my best, and a high performer in all my tasks? How could I continually be blamed for damages caused by others just because I was the one who reported the broken tools? How could I be ridiculed and aggressively tormented by the person who was supposed to be my teacher and mentor? The same problem was true in the second shop I was transferred to, and there they had a foreman and lead machinist who were also complicit in the abusive regime. They found it an obligation to spend hours questioning me repeatedly over and over regarding relatively minor problems that were a result of someone else’s failure, or a machining error by the programmer. I would rehearse line by line, process by process, the consecutive events leading up to the machining error, and they simply would not accept my report. Upon being denied without basis, I would then tell them that their version of the events must be true and so whatever they say must be what happened. But they would not have an explanation, and would return back to questioning me instead of offering any salient point or possible alternative explanation. No accusation was made against my work, because none could be placed. It was simply “you had to have done something!” This went on almost as if they suspected me of intentionally causing problems in the shop.
At some point I sat down with the shop manager and explained to him that this kind of treatment was unacceptable, that I was an excellent setup guy and that I do not lie to cover my own back when things go wrong. I just tell the truth. We spent hours in conversation that day from lunch hour all the way to around 4pm which is several hours after shop closing, and at the end of it he seemed satisfied. My final request was that I not be accused of lying, and if I was that it would be the end of my working at that shop. I know he found me valuable, because I was efficient and skilled; what I did not realize at the time was that human labor is most versatile when communication and social cohesion are seamless- a thing not possible with the autistic.
So, within a month I was once again dragged into office questioning and accusations, and ultimately was accused of lying by the shop foreman. The same day I turned in my two week notice in writing and sent a letter to the human resources department detailing the kind of abuse that was taking place at the shop, and how the constant turnover of employees was a product of this terrible mismanagement of labor. Later, I found out the manager of that shop was terminated from the company and the whole shop restructured- a fitting end to a terrible episode of my life.
When I quit the machine shop, I decided it was worth a shot to start my own business. I had no real trade skills to speak of, and the machine shop had only given me a small amount of training in the lower end of the skill spectrum, so I had nothing to market besides my willingness to learn and my sheer determination. I began advertising on Craigslist for lawn care, handyman, and minor vehicle repairs, which were a few things I had been able to purchase tools for.
Looking back, I realize that there was a huge gap in my life where nobody had invested teaching time into me. Nobody had taught me how to do any substantial or marketable work skills. My dad told me college was a racket that stole your money in exchange for a worthless piece of paper. Trade school had always been out of reach because of the financial cost, transportation, and time demand. But though dad told me to avoid college, there was no coherent plan that would take me from unemployment to paid work at a skilled trade. No matter what, I would need a place to live, food, and transportation. So the only thing to do here was push hard and work every opportunity that came my way.
I truly wish I had been better equipped for my adult life. Somehow my mother believed that books and education would suffice. My father left out the contributions that were most needed- the passing on of physical knowledge of the world.
In any case, here we are at Easy Eddy’s Skilled Services in the fall of 2018. Management is not a cup of tea. I managed myself first, since convincing other people to do what I want is my greatest weakness. Having read “How to win Friends and Influence People” I know that you can convince someone that they want to do what YOU want as long as you present how this benefits them, and create a reinforcing structure over time with various benefits and tactics to make it desirable. However this method fails again and again. The autistic mind perceives these kind of behaviors as a type of deceit, which you could say is the greatest sin (in the mind of those with ASD.) So it never occurred to me that I should bring someone else into my tiny business. I had small jobs earning $20-100, and my goal was to bring in $100 per weekday, which would be sufficient to cover the rent and our basic expenses with no frills. Naturally since there was not enough work for me, I saw no way to pay another person to do the work.
Learning to manage other people started in about year two, when I decided to start hiring a man to help out whenever I had bigger jobs or needed help with rigging. I still performed all the basic work tasks myself, but my helper would be there when I truly needed him. I had no personal friends to speak of, and no “buddy” to hang with who was in the same phase of life. I was a newly married man seeking to provide for my wife and newborn child, and the road was hard and cold. Every problem was my problem, and nobody cared except my wife Taylor, who helped me as much as she could. I lived on pure determination.
As soon as the first workers began cycling in and out of Easy Eddy’s, I knew there was a problem. But it was an old problem, one that had been there my entire life without me knowing a name for it. Autism Spectrum Disorder. What made the fake friends desert me, and what turned my old bosses against me, and what made leadership decide against me in the service, turned out to be the same thing that made my workers run for the hills. We had a human connection problem. There was a non-compatibility between our minds.
I live in a world of facts and logic. My mistakes are fully mine, and I own them completely. The worker does not. I show up to work because my bills must be paid. The worker finds that he sometimes would rather not pay his bills than go to a job he does not like for some reason he cannot specify. The list goes on and on. Many customers I have spoken to have agreed that these are more and more common behaviors in the public, and that managing people has always been a difficult task. Yet there is an added edge when a small business owner must be in constant contact with a helper or even several workers.
Consistency, according to ChatGPT, is a major demand of the autistic being, while neurotypical humans live their life in a state of constantly fluctuating priorities. This is why, as I have learned in the last year or two, people with Asperger’s Syndrome are highly unlikely to achieve a good professional career, and if they do, their life is consumed by it with many repercussions in their personal life. And this is something I have found to be true.
The workers decide against me, and it happens without warning in many cases. Often it will be after an occurrence that hurts the business, such as a breakdown. At that point when we go into repair mode at the company, the worker will simply lose heart. They might go home and wait for a call back to work, but most often they never return. The little foxes spoil the grapes when there is even the slightest social incompatibility or friction. Those who do not have this problem are either dealing with a close friend in their business or they have the behaviors and charisma that attract others. We have all met those men- they are constantly surrounded by friends, and always making new ones. That is the opposite of the autistic, who spends years seeking to gain one friend that is not just present out of convenience or enjoyment, but out of genuine connection. The trouble is that you ultimately find nobody but your family will be there, and even they are likely to leave you out of convenience or self-service. The power of attraction is so weak that I am more likely to repel people than attract them.
For those who have little knowledge of Asperger’s, there is not a simple set of instructions that can solve this conundrum. I have heard advice for my whole life from people who will say “just be nice and be yourself” or “maybe take them out to lunch!” or other such ideas. Believe me, when you are dealing with a late diagnosed autistic, that person has already tried every piece of advice you can come up with, and it has not worked for them. Because what is working against the ASD person is not their own failure to try. It is the unfortunate fact that normal people have to make an effort when dealing with the autistic, and most people are not interested in helping those with special needs. You are left to fend for yourself, even when drowning in the waters of social confusion.
Only good character, perseverance, and determination can save the autistic small business owner. Having people come into the company without expectations of good social connection will require passing a certain point of profitability, because those workers will come to a job as long as it has the high pay, consistent work, and benefits that they are seeking to sustain their personal income. The trouble in my case is that the business cannot pass that point of profitability without a good worker or two who can expedite and complete work without my presence. Since the workers do not stay long enough to be trained and learn the real skills that make the business profit, the business is constantly going back to the stage where I am teaching a brand new trainee, who are a constant soak of resources and time, and cost the business thousands of dollars in repairs. I am at the job, doing all the skilled work, and the person who is working with me is just a common laborer that brings less than 20% of the labor value to the jobsite. You cannot leave them there, because work will not be completed. You must stay present and give instructions tirelessly.
I bow before the King of Heaven and pray that He would lift me up from my captivity. My life as a business owner feels like a kind of slavery, filled with constant toil and service, though I have prayed for a higher calling. As quickly as I build, those around me tear it down; which I suppose puts me in the good company of many other great men: even the Master Carpenter sees His good efforts laid to waste by the frivolous acts of humanity. All I have sought is peace, prosperity, and personal excellence- but let me remember in my dark days that it is promised from the mouth of Christ, the meek shall inherit the earth.